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I\'d stop eating chocolate, but I\'m no quitter.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
We don\'t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you\'ll be afraid to cough.
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He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
If it weren\'t for electricity we\'d all be watching television by candlelight.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Louis Pasteur\'s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
We\'re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
I\'m trying to see things from your point of view but I can\'t get my head that far up my ass.
I\'m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
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I\'m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Attention to health is life\'s greatest hindrance.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
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Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Marry me and I\'ll never look at another horse!
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: \'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it\'s more likely to be female.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there\'s no law against whacking them around a bit.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you\'ll be afraid to cough.
Maybe this world is another planet\'s Hell.
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One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I\'ll never know.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I\'d invented a time
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said \'no\'.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I\'d invented a time
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Raymond\'s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I have an existential map; it has \'you are here\' written all over it.
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The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a \'C\', the idea must be feasible.
If you can read this you\'re not aiming in the right direction.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can\'t remember what they are.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
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I\'m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Hanlon\'s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Marry me and I\'ll never look at another horse!
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that\'s ok because you\'ll be a mile away from him and you\'ll have his shoes.
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If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Don\'t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
In America, anybody can be president. That\'s one of the risks you take.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Lohr\'s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
We\'re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don\'t talk about other people.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he\'d lie just to keep his hand in.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Jesus may love you, but I think you\'re garbage wrapped in skin.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
I\'m not a member of any organized political party, I\'m a Democrat!
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
It\'s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that\'s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Heav\'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn\'d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn\'d.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Am I lightheaded because I\'m not dead or because I\'m still alive?
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If quantum physics doesn\'t confuse you then you don\'t understand it.
If it wasn\'t for C, we\'d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
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